I am writing out of love and memories, the real ones.

Huh, I don’t even know where to start. My favorite, well we could start here, of it all is the part where we hid our feelings from the world. I’d sometimes call it “our little secret,” in my wild-slash-deranged head. Never told you that. I loved the intense precaution and decency we had especially when we’re in public.

I’d intentionally go very near beside you and swing my hand just to slightly touch the warmth of your skin. The feeling, ughh you don’t even know, is extremely comforting yet troubling — and I dont really know why.


I’ve felt this feeling a lot before, all of it with you. When we high five as a way to say goodbye, when you put your arms around my shoulder out of nowhere in the canteen, when you fell asleep and allowed your head to rest against mine, and when you say,

forget it, let’s not go that far.

It’s a cliche but you’re the mansion, the perfect grade in college, the great father, you’re the expensive clothes I’d stare for hours in a shop, the abs and muscles, the cherry of the cake, the dream.

You’re the best thing I never had. And I’ve let myself go from all the anger and pain because I know deep in my heart, and from all the people I know, that there’s more to life than misery.

I miss you, bud.

GIF from Equals
GIF from yet-unknown movie
Painting by Leonid Afremov


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